The Story of a Girl, her Selfie, and her Fear

I am a fearful person by nature. I am afraid of a myriad of different things, some logical, some illogical: spiders, the movie ET,  loud sudden noises, being fired from my job, worms, abandonment, not being able to travel in my future, intestinal parasites, parasites in general, the stomach flu, change, large, loud social gatherings, aliens, and...myself. I am both scared of, and ashamed of myself. I have always known I was ashamed of myself, but afraid? That's a new revelation, like and hours old, that all started with a selfie. I know some selfies are startling, but this one...this one sent my thoughts racing.

This. This is the Offender. 

 Looks innocent and not loaded with baggage right? Wrong. You see that purple headband? You will never know the sheer amount of willpower it took for me to leave the house with that stupid thing on my head. Why a headband? Ugh, I don't know, I wish I did, it must have ignited thoughts already lurking in the back of my mind, and here we are.  You see, I have been shamed into believing (not by anyone close to me), that if I wear something that is considered  "in", i'm ruining fashion, because only people who are thin are allowed to wear clothing/accessories that make our society proud, while the rest of us have to hide behind clothing that is horrendously unflattering, and be ashamed of ourselves because society is ashamed of us, and want's to hide us, and shame us into thinking that we are unattractive, and therefore unworthy of being loved or feeling good about ourselves until we can "fix" what is apparently broken. I have for my entire life, fallen for it hook, line and sinker, creating a deep sense of shame, and I continue to feel  unworthy and unlovable and afraid. IT'S SO SILLY. But I cannot and will not deny the tremendous impact body image has had on me.  So why the fear? Because I am TRYING, desperately TRYING to break free from that shame and see myself as beautiful, and see myself not through the eyes of man, but see myself as Jesus sees me, and it has made me so afraid. I am afraid to leave the house wearing certain articles of clothing/accessories because I am afraid of what other people might think. Yes, it all boils down to being afraid of what people might think. I am a people pleaser by nature, so this is not something that I can just stop thinking about, or stop caring about, this is going to require a complete re-routing of my mind, and that takes time and it really, really difficult. But fear is exhausting, and I want to learn to live outside of it, and learn to see myself as someone who was worth dying a horrific death for , and who is worthy of being loved, and accepting that truth the way I am now, or else no matter what I look like, I will always be dissatisfied. It is going to be hard, but hard does not mean impossible. 

On depression

Confession: I think about depression a lot. Probably because its something I have, have dealt with, and will deal with again, most likely for the rest of my life. Sometimes I am at peace with that, sometimes I am distraught, but mainly at peace. It has become a paradoxical friend, because I have never been more scared as to what is happening to me, and yet in a alarmingly strange way, more excited, because depression is Dark, and in darkness, there is so much room for light reveal Truth.  I also have never felt farther and more isolated from God, yet NEVER have I been more aware of Him, His nearness, and more has been spoken to me through depression, then at any other time. So I can't imagine why people who do not experience depression, have such a hard time understanding it (this is sarcasm for those who can not  tell). 8 months ago (according to Facebook) I wrote a little piece called "The Joy Thief"  about how the being is effected by depression, and I'm really proud of it and I really want to share it agian. I have many more thoughts on this subject, but I am tired, and can sense my reasoning slowing beginning to slip, so I leave you with "The Joy Thief."

Depression is a cruel joy thief. It takes everything you love, everything that encompasses a person, and replaces it with a horrific illusion of nothingness, that becomes a twisted view of reality. One starts to believe this new nothing reality, and suddenly the appeal to live life, starts to slip. Relationships cease to matter, motivation is laughable, getting out of bed is torture and you wish to spit on the ridiculous notion of “carpe diem. “  Joy, not even a hint of it, is found in the everyday and slowly but surely, despair grasps the mind with icy hands and the breakdown of the psyche continues. Despair erodes the mind and eats the soul. It isolates you and screams “worthless, worthless, you are creation most vile, most despised!” The mind starts to feel trapped and isolated with mournful whispers of self hatred, and the dark refrain continues to sound, over and over. Solace is sought in isolation far away from the last remnants of light and love, and the tragic lie sinks down to the chambers of the heart and imprisons the soul. Everything is darkest night and there is no longer joy or love, or laughter, and hope is silenced. Fear, anxiety, and shame become your unholy wardens,and they only joy is theirs as they delight in beating you down, and feasting on your remains. Endless night after endless night, all is torment and agony, but then. Yes then, right as it seemed as if all that will ever be known is complete and total despair and brokenness, Love simply walked in. It has been there since the beginning, always whispering, but other voices were louder, drowning it out. So ever patient, it waited until the exact moment when the rending of soul occurred,because it is at that moment, that the heart becomes the most receptive. Love, in its perfection, casts out fear, and anxiety, and shame, it takes despair by the throat and breaks it, only to restore it to hope most radiant. It washes clean the festering places of the soul, where ancient wounds have been left to rot and poison the being. It returns joy and depression recedes to where it is a long ago, but intimately familiar nightmare. The mind clears and soul awakes to Truth and Light, and suddenly life has new and profound meaning.  

A dear friend of mine , Liz Schaefer, asked me to post something she wrote, about how her life goal is not to get a husband. I was ecstatic when she asked me, and then determined when I read what she wrote, because it is SO IMPORTANT.  I will say this, and she says it as well- there is NOTHING wrong with wanting to be married, or getting married right out of college, but if we make that the focus of our existence as women, we are in for quite the rude awakening, and midlife crisis if that does not happen. I will let her tell the rest. Listen to her heart. Mull over what she has to say, she has a message, and it needs to be shared.

Before I begin, I would like to say that in no way is this post meant to put down girls who got married in or right after college, and chose a life of staying at home with their family. I firmly believe that if you have decided to do that based on what you believe God wants for you, then, that is exactly where you need to be. I have had many close friends attend college or decide not to, get married, buy a house, have some kids, and chose to stay home – which is exactly what they needed to do… More power to them! I know that I wouldn’t be able to rock it like they do. :)

I just want to focus on the larger attitude of the Christian culture. –

Recently, I had a facebook friend “like” a status that read, “Dear large woman who stole all the chicken tenders in the lunch line, Have fun getting a husband. #thestruggleisreal #Thisstuffjustgotserious”

I happened to glance over and see it as it was scrolling down the side bar. Part of my knee-jerk reaction was to unfriend the person who “liked” it. Another part of me wanted to message both parties and list out my fundamental problems with that thought. But I didn’t.. However, I can’t get it out of my head, and it continues to bother me. There are so many issues and different directions, I could take this, but I want to focus on the post’s main thought, “A woman’s only goal and purpose in life must be to ‘get a husband’.” Here’s the thing, this status received 32 “likes.” Out of those 32 likes, 16 of them were girls. Half! Only 1 person raised any type of objection to this.

Ummmm. What?

This breaks my heart. I am not some crazed “feminist” (for lack of a better term) who believes that women have more value than men, nor am I the type to generally throw words onto the internet like this. But, I genuinely believe that this thinking needs to be addressed.

As a young female who grew up in the church, I felt it was expected to go to college, find the “right guy,” and get married the summer after graduation. But here’s the thing, I didn’t find the “right guy” in college, in fact, I didn’t find any guy. And to be completely honest, I’m glad I didn’t. You see, I was able to spend a lot more time focusing on friendships, making memories, building deep relationships with several girls that we have been able to continue many years past college, and learning from Christ. Sure, it sucked at the time, and I still wonder if I’m being left in the dust by the assumed next stage in life. But, looking back I wouldn’t change any of my “single” years to “relationship” years. God used/is using the single stage of my life (however long that maybe) to teach me more about Himself and more about the ways He wants to use my life, than I ever thought possible.

Let me take a second to be very vulnerable and transparent, lest you think that I have just never wanted to marry. This is very difficult for me as I usually don’t share this type of thing, since everyone struggles with their own crap, but sometimes it’s good to hear other people’s struggles. Here it goes. Extreme transparency: Wanting to be a wife and eventually a mother is at the very core of my being. Even though I often pretend that is isn’t, it is something that I’ve dreamed about since I was a little girl. But, God has shown me that, through Christ, there is something different, not necessarily better, not necessarily worse, just different and good. Yes, I still have those desires, and yes, I have no idea if they will ever be fulfilled. But, I have learned/am learning that, no matter what, God is good and His plans and His timing are good. In fact, I am more free now to do whatever He calls me to do without needing to take someone else’s schedule, job, or life goals into consideration. As a result, I have been able to pour my entire being into the place he has me now. Through this, I’ve been able to discover a passion I never knew and never would have guessed I have.

So girls, women, please hear me. You are more important than the guys you attract. You have more to offer this world than just trying to “get a husband.” You weren’t born to please some man, boy, or even yourself. You are here for more than someone else’s pleasure. You are worth more than your sexuality.

College isn’t just a time in life to attend classes, keep an eye out for a future spouse, and earn your “MRS” degree. If that’s the reason you’re going, please reconsider. College should be a time to find out who you are in Jesus, apart from anyone else. It’s a time to find your passions and your heart. It’s a time to explore who you are, what you’re interested in, and determine who you want to become. It’s a chance in your life when you still have the security of being a young adult, but also have the independence to determine who you are and what you value, apart from your parents.

Gladys Aylward. Mary Slessor. Amy Carmichael. Elisabeth Elliot. Just to name a few. All were women who did not allow their singleness to effect what God had planned for each of their lives. All were women of faith who looked beyond the cultural expectation for their lives and lived for heaven. All were women who impacted an incredible number of lives through their singleness. All were women who did not let the fact they were “supposed to be married” stand in their way. All were women who stood in the face of much adversity to do a job that their male counterparts probably would not have been able to complete. All were women who allowed God to use them and trusted His plan for their lives. All were women who show us our pursuit in life should not be to “get a husband,” but to live our lives fully for the One who gave us life.

Dear high school/college/post-college student, please pay attention to this. The God of the universe LOVES you. You. No matter your relationship status, no matter your size, no matter the mistakes you’ve made. He loves you and has an amazing plan for your life in His perfect timing. That is where you must find your identity, your value, and your worth. This sinful world will constantly belittle you and tell you that you are not enough. Tell you that you are not enough for that man, that job, this life. But see, truthfully, you ARE NOT enough. However, Christ is. And Christ is where we must look for our identity. Christ is where we must be filled, so that through Christ and only Christ, we can be enough.

You were placed on this earth, at this time, in your city for a very special reason. And no one can tell you what that reason is except Christ. This could be to be a wife and mother who shows Christ’s love to your children and husband every day, even when you don’t feel like it. This could be to work in some ministry where you need to pour all of you and all of Christ into those you serve. This could be to work in an executive position at a multimillion dollar company where you make a difference in the lives of your employees by showing them the servant leadership Christ models.

Whatever reason God has placed you here, know that it is BEAUTIFUL. Your story is beautiful. And not because you are planning it, but because God wrote it for you, and He will use you, if you let him; don’t let singleness become a tipping point. Don’t let singleness become your excuse to live a life that is less than impassioned for Christ.

She walked in great darkness.

Seeing as I have a blog now, I am going to be transferring several of my Facebook notes, because I have been told blogs are much more better than Facebook notes and I want to have them all in one spot for easy access. So I thought I would start with one cleverly entitled "My Story" (  I am the WORST at thinking of titles for things!). I really am proud of this one, and it KIND OF explains my background, yet also does not really explain anything at all. Excellent. 

She who walked in darkness saw a great light. For she who lived in a land of darkness a light was shown. At first she was afraid, and so afraid was she, she refused it, refused the warmth and healing, and its invitation to come. And yet. And yet as much as she fought it, her soul was stirred by an ancient longing, the longing to be known and to beloved. Every day she would venture timidly to where the light began, until one day she heard the faintest of whispers, breathing across her heart, "Come. Come." She took one step closer and overcome with choking fear, fled back to the safety of the dark. Yet still, her curiosity and boldness grew, and she could no longer deny the pull of her heart, or the most persistent of whispers still asking her to surrender. At last, at long last she stepped cautiously to the Edge, and eyes squeezed tight, leapt to Light. She opened eyes blinded by fear and SAW. What she saw brought her to her knees. She saw herself naked and raw with the hurt of one who lived in darkness for far too long. The vulnerability was agony, and she howled and wailed with the sorrow and shame of a wretched creature exposed. She wanted to scramble back to Dark, where blindness was comfort. But for reasons still unknown to her, she stayed in Light and let it pierce and strip her, until it reached her strongest point, and she shattered. It was then, that she saw Him, and He moved Heaven and pulled back Earth to reach her, and He tenderly began whispering to her in the language of comfort and healing. Looking upon His face, she sighed, "known, known, oh to finally be known!"  Then he responded to her and spoke her language and breathed into her love most tender, love most fierce. He returned to her joy, and laughter, and he danced and sang over her. He gave her a new name, decreeing she be called "Sorrow-turned-Joy." She stood before Him as one Restored, a creature of Radiant Light, instead of a wretched creature of Horrific Dark.

The Awakening

"Everything sad is coming untrue." These words are not my own, but those of Tolkien in the last book of his Lord of the Rings trilogy. They were actually said as a question by Sam to Gandalf:  "Is everything sad going to come untrue?" The longing of this question resonates through my entire being, not just because I too echo Sam,  but because the question is the answer: "everything sad is coming untrue."  Meditate on these words for a moment. EVERYTHING sad is coming untrue. Think of what this means! Every hurt, sorrow, injustice, in every past, present and future, they will all be a once and long ago nightmare. These words are the very reason that I can laugh despite crushing sorrow and eyes overflowing. They are the reason that my anxious heart is quieted, because I know that "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5)."  They ignite a indescribable feeling of hope that causes laughter to burst forth, because I don't know what else to do but laugh in pure, unbridled joy. I wrote this piece called "Awakening" not long ago, its one of my favorite pieces that I have written, and it summarizes more of my feelings on the world:

    Suddenly it was too much. One more story of planes displaced, one more image of war weary, vacant eyed people, one more sound of humanity turning traitor to one another, one more despair story, and I too broke with despair. My heart grew heavy with a sadness that was not just my own, and I wept with shared tears, and my heart echoed the long ago cry of a ripped apart man before his death “My God my God, why have you forsaken us?” But then. Yes then, I saw it. I saw the dissolving and resolving of the world, and I saw everything sad coming untrue. For a moment time stood still, as I entered the Holy. This moment is Holy because I saw our awakening. When we were awakened, I saw our eyes dry and ancient longings fulfilled. We loved with a love that goes beyond our pale understanding of agape. We were LOVE because WE WERE LOVED.  Love walked with us and we were complete. He touched us and we were fire and refined, we were FINISHED. In this moment, I remember a promise from long ago: “Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress.” I exit the Holy. Exhale. We will be made well.