The Story of a Girl, her Selfie, and her Fear

I am a fearful person by nature. I am afraid of a myriad of different things, some logical, some illogical: spiders, the movie ET,  loud sudden noises, being fired from my job, worms, abandonment, not being able to travel in my future, intestinal parasites, parasites in general, the stomach flu, change, large, loud social gatherings, aliens, and...myself. I am both scared of, and ashamed of myself. I have always known I was ashamed of myself, but afraid? That's a new revelation, like and hours old, that all started with a selfie. I know some selfies are startling, but this one...this one sent my thoughts racing.

This. This is the Offender. 

 Looks innocent and not loaded with baggage right? Wrong. You see that purple headband? You will never know the sheer amount of willpower it took for me to leave the house with that stupid thing on my head. Why a headband? Ugh, I don't know, I wish I did, it must have ignited thoughts already lurking in the back of my mind, and here we are.  You see, I have been shamed into believing (not by anyone close to me), that if I wear something that is considered  "in", i'm ruining fashion, because only people who are thin are allowed to wear clothing/accessories that make our society proud, while the rest of us have to hide behind clothing that is horrendously unflattering, and be ashamed of ourselves because society is ashamed of us, and want's to hide us, and shame us into thinking that we are unattractive, and therefore unworthy of being loved or feeling good about ourselves until we can "fix" what is apparently broken. I have for my entire life, fallen for it hook, line and sinker, creating a deep sense of shame, and I continue to feel  unworthy and unlovable and afraid. IT'S SO SILLY. But I cannot and will not deny the tremendous impact body image has had on me.  So why the fear? Because I am TRYING, desperately TRYING to break free from that shame and see myself as beautiful, and see myself not through the eyes of man, but see myself as Jesus sees me, and it has made me so afraid. I am afraid to leave the house wearing certain articles of clothing/accessories because I am afraid of what other people might think. Yes, it all boils down to being afraid of what people might think. I am a people pleaser by nature, so this is not something that I can just stop thinking about, or stop caring about, this is going to require a complete re-routing of my mind, and that takes time and it really, really difficult. But fear is exhausting, and I want to learn to live outside of it, and learn to see myself as someone who was worth dying a horrific death for , and who is worthy of being loved, and accepting that truth the way I am now, or else no matter what I look like, I will always be dissatisfied. It is going to be hard, but hard does not mean impossible. 

On depression

Confession: I think about depression a lot. Probably because its something I have, have dealt with, and will deal with again, most likely for the rest of my life. Sometimes I am at peace with that, sometimes I am distraught, but mainly at peace. It has become a paradoxical friend, because I have never been more scared as to what is happening to me, and yet in a alarmingly strange way, more excited, because depression is Dark, and in darkness, there is so much room for light reveal Truth.  I also have never felt farther and more isolated from God, yet NEVER have I been more aware of Him, His nearness, and more has been spoken to me through depression, then at any other time. So I can't imagine why people who do not experience depression, have such a hard time understanding it (this is sarcasm for those who can not  tell). 8 months ago (according to Facebook) I wrote a little piece called "The Joy Thief"  about how the being is effected by depression, and I'm really proud of it and I really want to share it agian. I have many more thoughts on this subject, but I am tired, and can sense my reasoning slowing beginning to slip, so I leave you with "The Joy Thief."

Depression is a cruel joy thief. It takes everything you love, everything that encompasses a person, and replaces it with a horrific illusion of nothingness, that becomes a twisted view of reality. One starts to believe this new nothing reality, and suddenly the appeal to live life, starts to slip. Relationships cease to matter, motivation is laughable, getting out of bed is torture and you wish to spit on the ridiculous notion of “carpe diem. “  Joy, not even a hint of it, is found in the everyday and slowly but surely, despair grasps the mind with icy hands and the breakdown of the psyche continues. Despair erodes the mind and eats the soul. It isolates you and screams “worthless, worthless, you are creation most vile, most despised!” The mind starts to feel trapped and isolated with mournful whispers of self hatred, and the dark refrain continues to sound, over and over. Solace is sought in isolation far away from the last remnants of light and love, and the tragic lie sinks down to the chambers of the heart and imprisons the soul. Everything is darkest night and there is no longer joy or love, or laughter, and hope is silenced. Fear, anxiety, and shame become your unholy wardens,and they only joy is theirs as they delight in beating you down, and feasting on your remains. Endless night after endless night, all is torment and agony, but then. Yes then, right as it seemed as if all that will ever be known is complete and total despair and brokenness, Love simply walked in. It has been there since the beginning, always whispering, but other voices were louder, drowning it out. So ever patient, it waited until the exact moment when the rending of soul occurred,because it is at that moment, that the heart becomes the most receptive. Love, in its perfection, casts out fear, and anxiety, and shame, it takes despair by the throat and breaks it, only to restore it to hope most radiant. It washes clean the festering places of the soul, where ancient wounds have been left to rot and poison the being. It returns joy and depression recedes to where it is a long ago, but intimately familiar nightmare. The mind clears and soul awakes to Truth and Light, and suddenly life has new and profound meaning.